In my vast experience as a living human being, I recently realized there are three kinds of goals I set for myself.

As an analogy, I'm describing a habit I want to cultivate (e.g., running regularly), and a project I want to complete (e.g., I actually didn't do this, but I might at a later date).

One quick note before we get started; it's generally OK to miss goals.^[1] Failure is a thing that happens, but we only really lose if we don't learn from our failures and mistakes. This is now pretty common knowledge, but I first learned about it from Extra Credits, it it's a good thing to be reminded of.^[2]

MVP (Minimum Viable Product) Goals

These are goals or projects that are imminently attainable, and have clear indicators of success. They are sometimes part of broader, less defined goals, as a way to make them more attainable.

MVP in this case has a double meaning; both as a kind of bare-minimum goal, but also, that they are often the Most Valuable Projects. While they often feel like minimum effort goals, they are actually what I am most likely able to do or going to accomplish. In this case, Minimum does not mean Least Effort, either; it just means "What is the least I can do and still say with a straight face that I am doing it?"

MVP Example 1: Running

If I wanted to set an MVP goal for running regularly, I might say "I want to go for a run at least once a week." This might not seem like much, but especially as someone who hasn't really every enjoyed running or run before for recreation or exercise, I don't know what kind of hurdles^[3] I'm going to come up against. Twisted ankles take time to recovery from, muscles need recovery time to adequately heal and grow, and sometimes shit happens and running doesn't. But if I can run once a week, then that means that I am running regularly, and if I can do that, then maybe I can do it twice a week, three times, maybe more.

Realistic Goals

A Realistic goal, on the other hand, is a goal that if I honestly take my current circumstances into account, I am likely to accomplish, but is not at all guaranteed. These kinds of goals may also be more complicated and require more strategic planning in order to accomplish, but they are attainable.

Realistic in this case is meant more to contrast with the next kind of goal, Shame Goals. They are actually attainable by you, but they are not hole-in-one, guaranteed successes, like MVPs. In fact, they are often composed of different MVP goals, which break the larger realistic goal into something that's reasonably attainable.

You likely have to push yourself to achieve realistic goals. You may be uncomfortable for some or all of the effort needed to achieve the goal, but maybe you've done it before, and you can do it again.

Realistic Example 1: Running

A realistic goal to run regularly would be running for me might be running 3 times a week. Yes, it's attainable, but it's not guaranteed; in order to do it consistently, I should be mindful of my own fitness, habits, discomforts, etc., and not allow myself to give up if I don't meet that bar.^[4]

Shame Goals

Shame goals are based almost entirely on what we think other people think we should be able to do, or what we think other people are able to do, and therefore what we should be able to do. Say it out load; it sounds ridiculous. What kind of backwards goal-setting is that? But that's EXACTLY what most of my declared goals have been over the years, and probably yours too. Like New Years Resolutions^[5], shame goals are over-broad, with the bar set too high, and not based on what we are actually capable of doing, but what we think we should be capable of doing.

The motivations behind shame goals can be good and honorable, and they can sound reasonable; you want to lose weight, stop smoking, reconnect with an estranged family member. However, the goals themselves are often vague, unrealistic, overwhelming, and sometimes outside of our control, and you internalize that a failure to accomplish the goal is a reflection on you as a human being, not the goal itself.

Shame Example 1: Running

It's not always in the wording of the goal, but sometimes in the intention. For example, a shame goal for me to run regularly might look the same as a realistic goal, but both phrased slightly differently, and with an accompanying, unspoken part. "I will go for a run 3 days a week, and will also do upper body strength exercises (because if I don't it means I'm dumb and stupid and will never get fit)." Going from 0 to running 7 runs in a week is a recipe for injury, which will set me back, and I am guaranteed to give up on the goal within a month.

Summary

You might be wondering about my fixation on running; it's not a coincidence. A few years ago I hurt my back, and it was a wake-up call that I was not taking care of my body. I slowly started working on my fitness, have been riding a stationary bike about three or more days a week, and I'm trying to start running as another form of exercise. I initially started with the Shame goal I set for myself, ran a mile the first morning, and was pretty beat. I wasn't listening to to the quiet part of my goal, or my body, and set and overly ambitious goal that was not ideal. The next morning, I took a breath, re-evaluated, and decided on the MVP goal of running at least once a week. I will try for twice, maybe thrice, but once is the minimum, and I'm cutting out the upper-body stuff until I get home from the run not feeling like death.^[6].

What I'm trying to say is, be kind to yourself, and when setting goals for meaningful outcomes, take a moment to pause and listen to yourself. What does failure look like? What are the consequences of failure? Conduct a seance for any of your insecurities^[7], and honestly evaluate what might trigger them to attempt a coup of your willpower.

Listen to and trust yourself. Exercise those MVPs and get done what you want to get done!